Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It does, however, come with Pauly P – which is just as good. In this continuing column, the Livewire co-host answers subscribers’ dilemmas, big and small.

Illustration by Edith Vignal

G’day Pauly,

I have been studying at TAFE for the last year and I have fallen in love with one of my teachers. We have got to know each other over the past year and have gone out to drinks with other classmates at the end of the semester. I know they are into me, too, and we have had a couple of moments where we have danced around each other. You could cut the sexual tension between us with a knife. A problem I do have, however, is that they don’t like rock ’n’ roll music and would rather listen to popular ‘mainstream’ music. I mean who doesn’t like AC/DC, right? So, I need your genius advice.

Should I act on my feelings or is that a deal breaker?

Cameron

Cameron,

Welcome to the world. We all have different tastes and passions. Some of us are like Uncle Monty (Withnail’s uncle); we like ‘the finer things in life’. Then there are others that have no respect for themselves and are content to listen to the same monotonous squeak that is repeated ad nauseam in the commercial world. These people should be feared. They are easily led, and any relationship should be entered into with caution. Enter into any quality time with this person, and expect to dine on chicken nuggets and go to concerts in shopping centres. STAND CLEAR!

Dearest Paul,

I have a burgeoning romance – but our conversation is superficial. I mean, they do attempt to have deeper conversations with me, but they feel forced on their part. Could they be a sociopath doing a really great impression at not being a sociopath? How do you know? I guess the fact that I’m even asking the question would suggest that the answer is ‘yes’, but I’d like to leave room for the possibility that this is just a person who lacks emotional language. If this is the case, can I teach them how to express emotion? Is it all locked under the surface – or am I dealing with a husk?

Sincerely,

Confused

Confused,

An anti-social person does not always mean they are a psychopath. They may be nervous around you and are intimidated about saying the wrong thing. This is very common in social circles, but we tolerate it. Clearly you have common ground, or you would have never spent any time together. So may I suggest a nice picnic in a park?

Unless they are a psychopath, in which case, change your contact details as soon as you can.

Dear Pauly,

My partner and I recently moved in together and decided to make our cat an indoor cat due to his penchant for killing ringtail possums, eating the heads and leaving the bodies on the kitchen floor. He is terribly disappointed with his new indoor habitat and now spends hours meowing longingly at the outside world and conversing with the black and white tuxedo-ed tomcat who sleeps in our front yard all day. My partner recently took him outside in her arms to meet this cat and it left our poor puss disappointed and desperate to escape. How can we make his life more bearable without putting the local possum population in peril?

Sincerely yours,

Crazy Cat Lady

Crazy Cat Lady,

Having a cat sounds like a lot of fun. I wasn’t aware they are so brutal in ‘polishing their trophies’ right under your nose. A decomposed animal on the kitchen floor is a bit much, and probably not the most welcoming of surprises first thing in the morning. Here are your options:

a) Say ta-ta to your cat.

b) Build a mini-lion enclosure outside for your cat with a cat-flap. If he wants to decapitate a possum, he can have it in his abode.

c) Just let the killing spree continue!

Pauly P co-hosts Livewire (Saturdays 10pm to midnight). He is not a registered life coach, but is quite funny. Edith Vignal presents ‘Things to Do Today’ on Vital Bits. Submit your questions for Pauly via the Trip mag editor, Mia: miat@rrr.org.au.

This article first appeared in The Trip, Triple R’s subscriber magazine, arriving in letterboxes April, August and December.